Butters and Al Gore are walking up the stairs to get to Butters room.
Al Gore: "Little boy...aren't you suppose to be at school?"
Butters: "YEA! But my parents went to California. They won't be back for 3 days."
Al Gore: "Ok...fair enough. What is your name anyway?"
Butters: "BUTTERS!"
Butters opens the door and sits down in his computer chair. Al Gore sits on a beanbag.
Al Gore: "Butters...what is it about Al Gore that you like so much?"
Butters: "When I heard you created the Internet on YouTUBE you became a God to me."
Al Gore: "Precisely what I am. God."
Butters: "YEA! Cause without you I wouldn't have heard of this place called Panera Bread."
Al Gore: "Panera Bread?"
Butters: "YEA! It's this place I have been following on Twitter for years. They're doing so well they decided to bring it to our little redneck town. Today is the grand opening!!!"
Al Gore: "So you're saying I created Panera Bread too?"
Butters: "I guess so! But all I care about is going to order some brocoli cheddar soup...or maybe a panini...or maybe both. I WON'T KNOW UNTIL I GET THERE!"
Al Gore: "Yeaaaa...so have you written anything else about Al Gore?"
Butters: "No not yet...I did have some old guy say you didn't create the Internet. I almost deleted it."
Al Gore: "Of course I said it. I wouldn't have said if I didn't mean it...hey why don't you give me some time with my Internet now."
Butters: "OK I'll go downstairs and call Panera Bread!"
Butters goes downstairs. Al Gore takes over the helm. He finds and deletes the review that old man left.
After deleting it he goes to "Add Writing". Gore adds a poetry piece called "Homage to Al Gore Again."
Al Gore:
"Al Gore is God
He is a Dog
Dog spelled backwards is God
So Al Gore is both
He is both God and Dog
He is Al Gore
He is the Godfather of LIFE!"
The piece gets submitted to Writers Cafe. Al Gore goes downstairs and Butters just finished his conversation with Panera Bread.
Butters: "Oh geez! They were in a lunch rush and didn't answer my question. All I did was call them and ask them the ingredients of their brocoli cheddar soup...their catering possibilities...and if they were any hot bitches working. I can't believe they ignored me."
Al Gore: "Let's go Butters. Food awaits."
Butters: "Didn't you invent something to call a limo for yourself on call?"
Al Gore: "Ummmm yea...of course...but...but it's out of commission. We need to walk."
Butters and Al Gore leave the house and start their journey to Panera Bread.
** END SCENE **
Zack Morris and AC Slater are sitting together at the local tavern.
Bartender: "Hey...aren't you one of those child stars? Yea it's you...Gary Coleman and Mucally Culkin?"
Zack Morris: "Gary Coleman died and Mucally Culkin is bangin Mila Kunis. The world is twisted. I'm Zack Morris...and this is my buddy AC Slater."
(Slater is still sitting like he always does).
Bartender: "Ohh yea I remember you guys. My granddaughter used to watch you...you know she loved the nerdy one. Skeech."
AC Slater: "That's Screech. He was pretty geeky. But hey...enough with the small talk...cook me up 2 Hef's...with a side a butter."
The bartender pours out 2 Hef's on tap and pulls out butter packets for Zack Morris and AC Slater.
AC Slater (while pouring butter into his beer): "You know Zack? They do say music is the purest art form. Once you have talent you can't lose it."
Zack Morris (while pouring butter into his beer): "AC...I think we've lost our sex appeal. My hair isn't as blond and face it you're not so cut."
AC Slater (while pouring more butter into his beer): "That's not true Preppy. I put up 2 plates at the gym."
Zack Morris (while pouring more butter into his beer): "Did you bounce it? Or do it legitly?"
AC Slater (while pouring more butter): "To the chest!"
Zack Morris starts pouring more butter into his beer when the bartender confronts the two.
Bartender: "What are you sick fucks doing? Get out of my bar! In these woods we don't use food additives for our beer. Our beer is pure and fresh like the Rockies. Haven't you seen a commercial you out of touch Hollywood Preppies? NOW GET OUT!"
Zack Morris and Slater leave the beer and start wandering to the downtown area.
** END SCENE **
Stan and Kyle just arrived at the Owl Preserve on the outskirts of town.
A male Owl comes and sits on the tree right across from Stan and Kyle when they arrive.
Stan: "Screw Al Gore. Let's show him we don't need the Internet to have fun."
Kyle: "Yea Al Gore can go blow the Cookie Monster for all I care. ."
Stan: "What are we suppose to do now? Watch him?"
Kyle: "Who knows. This is the first time I've ever done this."
All the sudden a tour guide pops out of nowhere.
Robert Youngquist: "I'm Robert Youngquist. I work for the National Park Service. Welcome boys."
Stan (to Kyle): "Who is this hippie dude?"
Robert Youngquist: "I can guide you guys to the sanctity of owls."
Stan: "Who do you really work for? There is no National Park Service signs here."
Robert Youngquist: "I work for humanity. I aim to provide peace through owls."
Kyle: "Uhh..how do you do that?"
Robert Younquist: "By teaching how owls deal with nature. Owls provide stability...they have honor...they garner respect."
Stan looks at the owl and he has a totally blank stare on his face.
Stan: "Then why do they look so blank?"
Robert Youngquist: "There is nothing blank about the owl. There is only blankness about yourself."
Kyle: "We didn't come here for a Dr. Phil session. We came here cause that douchebag Al Gore infilitrated our city again."
Robert Youngquist: "Al Gore?!?!?! He is a threat to owl existence."
Stan: "Al Gore loves the environment dude."
Robert Youngquist: "Al Gore loves greed. I came into contact before and he nearly got me fired."
Stan: "You don't work for anyone...you're a hippie."
Robert Youngquist: "Oh yea...(in a dramatic voice) well he almost tooook my liffee."
Kyle: "Well this is getting too weird. Goodbye Robert."
Robert Youngquist: "We won't forget you. The owl always watches over."
Stan: "Yea whatever."
The 2 boys exit the sanctuary.
** END SCENE **
Cartman is in school with 3 of the boys missing.
Mr. Garrison: "Eric? Why are you here, but not your friends? Aren't you guys butt buddies?"
Cartman: "I'm here to learn Mr. Garrison. Today we have music class. I'm forming a band at 3 o'clock so I came for the practice during 6th period."
Mr. Garrison: "Hmm...ok..well I need to know where Butters went. His parents gave me their cell phone number in case he tried something stupid."
Cartman: "Butters went to his house with Al Gore."
Mr. Garrison: "Al Gore? OK...looks like I'm gonna have to call Butters' parents. Excuse me class."
Mr. Garrison walks out the door and pulls out his IPhone. He calls "Mr. Stotch."
Mr Garrison: "Hi...umm.. Mister Stotch...Butters cut class today."
Mr. Stotch: "CUT CLASS!! WHAT!! ARE YOU SURE?!?!"
Mr. Garrison: "Yea he's off hanging out with Al Gore."
Mr. Stotch: "Al Gore? I'm sick of this guy ruining our town. We come back later today. I will be looking to confront that basterd tonight."
Mr. Garrison: "Well just wanted to inform you...also today is the opening of PANERA BREAD. I thought you'd like to know."
Mr. Stotch: "Ohhhh! Panera Bread! The cookies...the brownies...the coffee cakes...uhhhhmmmmmm...the brownies...the cookies...the coffee cakes.....ohhhh yea......"
Mr. Garrison hangs up but Mr. Stotch keeps talking
Mr. Stotch: "Ohhh the sandwiches...the salads...the soups...I've been waiting for this day forever. The day I get to eat Panera Bread and the day I own Al Gore's asshole."
**END SCENE **
Butters and Al Gore walk up to the Panera Bread.
Butters: "Wow! It's so big. I never imagined it'd be like this."
Al Gore: "Let's give this a place a look see."
They walk in and are greeted by a pretty blonde girl.
Blonde girl: "Hi...welcome to Panera Bread."
Butters (to Al Gore): "They do have bitches."
They get up to the cash register and a pretty brunette girl helps them out.
Brunette girl: "Hi...welcome to Panera Bread. Would you like a Your Panera card? You get a free pastry if you sign up."
Butters: "Golly sure! Just tell me how to sign up."
Brunette girl: "Just go to that kiosk right over there."
Butters and Al Gore walk over to the kiosk.
Al Gore: "Can we go on Writers Cafe on here?"
Butters: "No Al Gore...this is a Panera designed computer network."
Al Gore: "I bet I can hack it."
Butters: "I want my free pastry! Go ask someone else."
Al Gore walks up to the General Manager.
Al Gore: "Excuse me...I'm Al Gore. Can I use one of your computers in the back to check Writers Cafe?"
General Manager: "No Al Gore. That is for Panera employees only. You would have to go through our hiring process to get access to our system."
Al Gore: "Sir...I created your system."
General Manager: "Actually our system was founded by Mort Mortimer...he's a computer programmer out of Tallhassee. You're just a washed up politican."
Al Gore: "I demand answers."
General Manager: "Look our customers are very friendly. Ask one of them to use their system. I'm sure they will allow you."
Al Gore walks up to a big older fellow that looks like King Kong Bundy from WWF.
Al Gore: "Hi..I'm Al Gore. Vice President."
Mike Yarborough (turns around): "I know who you are."
Al Gore: "ITS YOU! You're the guy behind that phone selling scheme."
Mike Yarborough: "You just weren't cutting it Al...I had to give you the boot. How did you end up out here anyways?"
Al Gore: "I'm here with a little kid who praised me on Writers Cafe. He summoned me."
Mike Yarborough: "Well what can I do for ya Al?"
Al Gore: "I'll give you a free pastry if you let me use your computer for 10 minutes."
Mike Yarborough: "Deal...I need to shit anyways. Have at it Al. No porn."
Al Gore: "Don't worry about me."
Al Gore immediately checks Writers Cafe for new reviews. There are 3 new reviews.
The first one is from a milf poet...she says: "horrible structure...dumb theme... and Al Gore? He's so 90's."
The second one is a stoner guy from Minnesota...he says: "Rock on! Al Gore rulez all!"
The third one is a pretty girl from the East Coast...she says: "Who really is behind that persona?"
Al Gore is very sad and vows revenge on someone. He goes to Yelp.com to leave a review. He is the first one to leave a review for this new store.
Al Gore: "I must say the service here is very lackluster. I asked to use the company computers and the manager denied me. I did meet an old friend here though. Maybe this is place is better than I thought? I don't know but one thing I do know is ya'lllllll got bitttches. Signed: GreenJobs4All."
Butters fills out the rest of the form and a free pastry receipt pops out of the computer. Al Gore snatches it out of his hand.
Al Gore: "Sorry little boy. I had to make a business deal."
Butters: "I spent four minutes filling that out! I want my pastry."
Al Gore: "Just follow me and everything will be cool."
Brunette Girl: "I see you got Your Panera card."
Al Gore: "Umm yea...it says we won a free sandwich."
Brunette: "Ok...can I see the card?"
The card clearly says "free pastry."
Brunette: "The tag says free pastry so pick whatever you want and let me know."
Al Gore: "But we want a free sandwich."
Brunette: "Let me get my manager."
She walks to the back.
Butters: "You're causin' a real ruckus."
Al Gore: "Don't worry...I got them right here I want them."
General Manager comes out from the back.
General Manager: "What's the issue now Mr. Gore?"
Al Gore: "Yea we got a card for a free pastry...but we want a free sandwich."
General Manager: "Sorry...we can't do that."
Al Gore: "Look buddy...I know your secret."
General Manager: "What secret?"
Al Gore: "Your company secrets. How you guys worship bread."
General Manager: "That's right...we do love bread."
Al Gore: "Look...just give me the sandwich and I won't call in the SWAT Team."
General Manager: "We'll do it just this one time...I'll give you a sandwich. Order it from Bethany."
Brunette Girl: "What would you like?"
Al Gore: "Let me go ask my friend real fast."
Al Gore walks over to Mike Yarborough.
Al Gore: "You clean out your insides?"
Mike Yarborough: "Sure did...I'm ready to eat."
Al Gore: "Go up there and order a sandwich. It's on the house."
Mike Yarborough: "Let's do it."
He goes up to the counter and begins ordering a complicated sandwich.
Mike Yarborough: "Yea Haley...I'd like a turkey sandwich...grilled...with lettuce...tomatoe...onion...extra tomatoe...horse radish...and melted cheese."
Brunette Girl: "Ok...what is your side choice?"
Mike Yarborough: "Give me a pastry for my little blonde buddy over here."
Butters: "I come all this way for a pastry?? Awww this sucks."
The orders goes through and Butters sits down with Mike Yarborough to enjoy his pastry. Al Gore walks over to the people making the food.
Al Gore (to himself): "I feel bad for the son bitch that has to make that sandwich."
He walks up and sees Screech from Saved by the Bells struggling with other orders.
Al Gore: "Screech? Is that you?"
Screech: "I'm busy. I can't talk right now."
Al Gore: "Screech...I need you. You're part of a master plan. I will give you one thousand dollars to walk out on this place right now."(Evil thoughts are going in Gore's head.)
Screech: "What's the catch?"
Al Gore: "Did you see the Battle of the Bands signs? Well....the Zack Attack is back Jack!"
Screech throws his apron down and walks out on his General Manager. He joins Butters, Yarborough, and Gore at the table to talk.
Mike Yarborough: "WHERE THE HELL IS MY SANDWICH IS AT???"
Al Gore: "Yea there's been a bit of a hold-up...the sandwich maker just walked out."
Mike Yarborough: "If I find out who that sandwich maker is I'm going to ring his neck. No one messes with my appetite."
Butters: "Well it was..."
Al Gore: "The fellow left...hey Yarborough...you going to be at Battle of the Bands tonight?"
Mike Yarborough: "I'm judging it. You bet I'll be there."
Al Gore: "Good...cause it's gonna be a battle. I'm bringing some new talent."
Mike Yarborough: "I'm glad. Now let me concentrate on selling phones to random people. Here...you three can use my spare laptop to englighten yourselves."
** END SCENE **
3 o'clock is here. Zack Morris and AC Slater meet up in Cartman's garage to start the session.
Cartman: "Hey guys!!! It really feels like old times playing in the garage together."
Zack Morris: "This is our first time playing with you."
Cartman: "It feels like yesterday we were rocking out with her cocks out on a nightly basis."
AC Slater: "We never even went on tour. That was an optical illusion."
Cartman: "How about that time that Zack kissed Jesse Spano in the Shakespeare play? Ohhh that was awesome."
Zack Morris: "Look kid...let's get to work. I saw a sign for Battle of the Bands at 5 PM. Winner gets a free panini from Panera."
Cartman: "Let's get to jammin then."
Many practice songs are played and everything is going well since they play only one song. Cartman brings out mirrors so they can practice they're facial expressions for the show. It is about 430 and they pack up their band equipment and take off in Cartman's mom's Ford truck.
** END SCENE **
Stan and Kyle are walking down the street looking for something else to do. They see a sign on the light pole for Battle of the Bands at 5 P.M.
Stan: "That sounds lame, but let's go there."
Kyle: "I wonder who's going to be there. Let's head to Panera then."
Because they were so far on the outskirts they don't reach Panera until about 4:30. They walk in and spot Butters instantly.
Butters: "Fellas! Where you been? Did Mr. Garrison ask about me?!"
Kyle: "We went to the owl preserve. We figured if you were going to skip for someone as unimportant as Al Gore we could skip for owls."
Butters: "Well it's time for Battle of the Bands! There's only one band though. Do you guys wanna join?!?!"
Stan: "We haven't even practiced Butters."
Butters: "Just follow my lead. You guys play the instruments...I'll provide the vocals. I got the perfect song."
The Zack Attack walk in Panera. The blonde girl gets shy.
Blonde Girl: "Umm...welcome to Panera. Where the bread goes wet...I mean where the bread is soft."
AC Slater: "Calm down sweetie we're here for the Battle of the Bands."
Zack Morris (chiming in): "We're the ZACK ATTACk!"
Cartman (in a ghetto voice): "AND WE BACK JACK!"
Blonde Girl: "Well make yourself at home in our oasis."
Cartman: "HEY KYLE! Did you see we're in Battle of the Bands?"
Kyle: "So are we fatass...you guys should win since you only play one song every show."
Cartman: "That's not true. The Zack Attack is all versatile and all knowing. We go hard."
Stan: C ya on the stage Cartman...we have Butters singing vocals for us tonight.
Cartman: "BUTTERS? You let that asshole be your singer? HAH! Good luck. We have Zack Morris. That's right..ZACK MORRIS!"
Zack Morris and AC Slater walk up.
AC Slater: "Are these guys giving you a problem Cartman?"
Stan (to Kyle): "Oh no here we go...wannabe roid rage."
AC Slater: "What was the little man?"
Stan: "I said you're a muscle bound freak with an ego problem."
AC Slater: "Ohh...in that case...allright. Good luck tonight guys."
The scene fast forwards to the Battle of the Bands. It's 5 o'clock. The Zack Attack is ready to play when Al
Gore interrupts Mike Yarborough.
Mike Yarborough: "That's the rules of the game guys...If you have any..."
Al Gore: "WAIT! Hold on. We have a last second change. Zack Morris...AC Slater...I present you...the long lost member."
Screech comes out of Panera Bread wearing a zoot suit.
Screech: "We meet again guys."
Zack Morris: "SCREECH!! Hop on stage bro."
Cartman: "HEY! What about me?"
Zack Morris: "Screech is the original member of Zack Attack. You're the ringer."
Zack and Slater physically throw Cartman off stage. Cartman goes to Yarborough to ask for the official "Battle of the Band Rulebook."
Mike Yarborough: "Allright! This is getting exciting. Everyone in the crowd...I present to you...the ZACK ATTACK."
Slater ends up hopping back on the drums...Screech gets on the keyboard...and Zack starts singing his heart out. They start making dumbass facial expressions and you see the blonde girl inside Panera looking out the window getting wet. The song ends after about 45 seconds.
Mike Yarborough: "I give it a 9...it would have been a 10 had Kelly been up there with you guys!! But I still loved it. Now onto the next band. They call themselves Loose Cannons."
The curtain unveils. Stan is playing maraccas...Kyle is playing the flute...and Butters is on the vocals. He starts singing "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies.
Butters: "Chickedy Chinese the Chinese Chicken you have a drum stick and your brain stops ticking...watching X-Files with no lights on......."
The song plays out for about a minute and they do a decent job.
Mike Yarborough: "I give it a 7...and with that decision THE ZACK ATTACK ARE THE VICTORS!!!! GUYS I THINK IT'S BEST IF YOU GIVE THE CROWD WHAT THEY WANT AND PLAY AGAIN."
Al Gore (to himself): "My plan is unfolding perfectly....."
All the sudden Slater starts the song and it's not "Friends Forever."
Slater: "Uhh 1....Uhh 2...Uhh 1...2..3...4"
Zack Morris: "MMMMM BOP!!! DOP BA DOO WOP !! DEWEEYYY OPP BA DO WOP... DOP BA DOYAYEYEYEA !!!"
Al Gore has a sinister look on his face. The whole place is silent when the song is over and Al Gore starts giving a political stump speech.
Al Gore: "You see guys...didn't I tell you that song was written by the Devil? It was...It was written by me...by Al Gore...by your Vice President. If it got sung more than 173 times by the original Zac Attack...I programmed a Hansen verse in the 174th performance. I went on Writers Cafe recently to try to trick people into thinking I was God. I created the Internet to try to make people think I was the devil. In the end I sit here and I don't know which one I am...am I God or am I the Devil? Or am I a nobody?"
Cartman: "You basterd...you tricked me all along. You knew the Zack Attack was going to throw me out of the band...you knew it! YOU ARE THE DEVIL!"
Al Gore: "I did not know that husky boy. I never knew Screech was going to be in South Park. I never knew any of this. It feels like somebody did plan this...like someone is a God around here...I just don't know who it is."
All the sudden Robert Youngquist comes.
Robert Youngquist: "See guys...the Gods are above. Look up there."
Everyone looks up and sees a good looking Owl flying above. The owl begins to speak.
Al Boo-Boo: "My name is Al Boo-Boo. I was brought to this South Park area to watch over something. I was sent here to keep somebody in check. Year after year nothing went on and nothing drastic happened. It wasn't until today when I heard these children say Al Gore was in town that I knew the time to intervene was now. You see...the owl is put on this Earth to watch over you. Today I watched over you. I give you the Al Gore chokeout. Watch and be amazed."
Butters' dad pulls up in his Honda Accord.
Mr. Stotch: "Al Gore! What are you doing teaching my boy not to go to school? Why I oughta choke you."
Al Gore (turns to Mike Yarborough): "Screech was the employee that didn't make your sandwich." (looks to Mr. Stotch): "Ok... I deserve it. Choke away."
Mr. Stotch chokes Al Gore...Mike Yarborough chokes Screech...Cartman starts choking Kyle...Zack Morris starts choking Slater...Mr. Stotch lets off of Al Gore to choke Butters so the General Manager comes out of Panera and starts choking Al Gore...Stan taps the General Manager because he is using too much force...the Owl then swoops in to choke Al Gore but instead looks him in the eye and says something to him...
Al Boo-Boo: "Look Al Gore...you see there is nothing personal about what I put you through...I was sent here for a reason...as you were sent here for a reason...the owl wouldn't be the owl if it weren't for the snake."
Al Gore: "You're not going to choke me right? I can't breathe."
Al Boo-Boo: "No..I'm not going to choke you. I think you've learned your lesson now."
Al Gore: "Thank you Al Boo...thank you."
Al Boo flies up and takes a huge shit on Al Gore's head. The ending scene shows a bunch of people choking each other in South Park with Elton John in the sky playing "Ciricle of Life" on a pink piano.
THE END.
Al Gore: "Little boy...aren't you suppose to be at school?"
Butters: "YEA! But my parents went to California. They won't be back for 3 days."
Al Gore: "Ok...fair enough. What is your name anyway?"
Butters: "BUTTERS!"
Butters opens the door and sits down in his computer chair. Al Gore sits on a beanbag.
Al Gore: "Butters...what is it about Al Gore that you like so much?"
Butters: "When I heard you created the Internet on YouTUBE you became a God to me."
Al Gore: "Precisely what I am. God."
Butters: "YEA! Cause without you I wouldn't have heard of this place called Panera Bread."
Al Gore: "Panera Bread?"
Butters: "YEA! It's this place I have been following on Twitter for years. They're doing so well they decided to bring it to our little redneck town. Today is the grand opening!!!"
Al Gore: "So you're saying I created Panera Bread too?"
Butters: "I guess so! But all I care about is going to order some brocoli cheddar soup...or maybe a panini...or maybe both. I WON'T KNOW UNTIL I GET THERE!"
Al Gore: "Yeaaaa...so have you written anything else about Al Gore?"
Butters: "No not yet...I did have some old guy say you didn't create the Internet. I almost deleted it."
Al Gore: "Of course I said it. I wouldn't have said if I didn't mean it...hey why don't you give me some time with my Internet now."
Butters: "OK I'll go downstairs and call Panera Bread!"
Butters goes downstairs. Al Gore takes over the helm. He finds and deletes the review that old man left.
After deleting it he goes to "Add Writing". Gore adds a poetry piece called "Homage to Al Gore Again."
Al Gore:
"Al Gore is God
He is a Dog
Dog spelled backwards is God
So Al Gore is both
He is both God and Dog
He is Al Gore
He is the Godfather of LIFE!"
The piece gets submitted to Writers Cafe. Al Gore goes downstairs and Butters just finished his conversation with Panera Bread.
Butters: "Oh geez! They were in a lunch rush and didn't answer my question. All I did was call them and ask them the ingredients of their brocoli cheddar soup...their catering possibilities...and if they were any hot bitches working. I can't believe they ignored me."
Al Gore: "Let's go Butters. Food awaits."
Butters: "Didn't you invent something to call a limo for yourself on call?"
Al Gore: "Ummmm yea...of course...but...but it's out of commission. We need to walk."
Butters and Al Gore leave the house and start their journey to Panera Bread.
** END SCENE **
Zack Morris and AC Slater are sitting together at the local tavern.
Bartender: "Hey...aren't you one of those child stars? Yea it's you...Gary Coleman and Mucally Culkin?"
Zack Morris: "Gary Coleman died and Mucally Culkin is bangin Mila Kunis. The world is twisted. I'm Zack Morris...and this is my buddy AC Slater."
(Slater is still sitting like he always does).
Bartender: "Ohh yea I remember you guys. My granddaughter used to watch you...you know she loved the nerdy one. Skeech."
AC Slater: "That's Screech. He was pretty geeky. But hey...enough with the small talk...cook me up 2 Hef's...with a side a butter."
The bartender pours out 2 Hef's on tap and pulls out butter packets for Zack Morris and AC Slater.
AC Slater (while pouring butter into his beer): "You know Zack? They do say music is the purest art form. Once you have talent you can't lose it."
Zack Morris (while pouring butter into his beer): "AC...I think we've lost our sex appeal. My hair isn't as blond and face it you're not so cut."
AC Slater (while pouring more butter into his beer): "That's not true Preppy. I put up 2 plates at the gym."
Zack Morris (while pouring more butter into his beer): "Did you bounce it? Or do it legitly?"
AC Slater (while pouring more butter): "To the chest!"
Zack Morris starts pouring more butter into his beer when the bartender confronts the two.
Bartender: "What are you sick fucks doing? Get out of my bar! In these woods we don't use food additives for our beer. Our beer is pure and fresh like the Rockies. Haven't you seen a commercial you out of touch Hollywood Preppies? NOW GET OUT!"
Zack Morris and Slater leave the beer and start wandering to the downtown area.
** END SCENE **
Stan and Kyle just arrived at the Owl Preserve on the outskirts of town.
A male Owl comes and sits on the tree right across from Stan and Kyle when they arrive.
Stan: "Screw Al Gore. Let's show him we don't need the Internet to have fun."
Kyle: "Yea Al Gore can go blow the Cookie Monster for all I care. ."
Stan: "What are we suppose to do now? Watch him?"
Kyle: "Who knows. This is the first time I've ever done this."
All the sudden a tour guide pops out of nowhere.
Robert Youngquist: "I'm Robert Youngquist. I work for the National Park Service. Welcome boys."
Stan (to Kyle): "Who is this hippie dude?"
Robert Youngquist: "I can guide you guys to the sanctity of owls."
Stan: "Who do you really work for? There is no National Park Service signs here."
Robert Youngquist: "I work for humanity. I aim to provide peace through owls."
Kyle: "Uhh..how do you do that?"
Robert Younquist: "By teaching how owls deal with nature. Owls provide stability...they have honor...they garner respect."
Stan looks at the owl and he has a totally blank stare on his face.
Stan: "Then why do they look so blank?"
Robert Youngquist: "There is nothing blank about the owl. There is only blankness about yourself."
Kyle: "We didn't come here for a Dr. Phil session. We came here cause that douchebag Al Gore infilitrated our city again."
Robert Youngquist: "Al Gore?!?!?! He is a threat to owl existence."
Stan: "Al Gore loves the environment dude."
Robert Youngquist: "Al Gore loves greed. I came into contact before and he nearly got me fired."
Stan: "You don't work for anyone...you're a hippie."
Robert Youngquist: "Oh yea...(in a dramatic voice) well he almost tooook my liffee."
Kyle: "Well this is getting too weird. Goodbye Robert."
Robert Youngquist: "We won't forget you. The owl always watches over."
Stan: "Yea whatever."
The 2 boys exit the sanctuary.
** END SCENE **
Cartman is in school with 3 of the boys missing.
Mr. Garrison: "Eric? Why are you here, but not your friends? Aren't you guys butt buddies?"
Cartman: "I'm here to learn Mr. Garrison. Today we have music class. I'm forming a band at 3 o'clock so I came for the practice during 6th period."
Mr. Garrison: "Hmm...ok..well I need to know where Butters went. His parents gave me their cell phone number in case he tried something stupid."
Cartman: "Butters went to his house with Al Gore."
Mr. Garrison: "Al Gore? OK...looks like I'm gonna have to call Butters' parents. Excuse me class."
Mr. Garrison walks out the door and pulls out his IPhone. He calls "Mr. Stotch."
Mr Garrison: "Hi...umm.. Mister Stotch...Butters cut class today."
Mr. Stotch: "CUT CLASS!! WHAT!! ARE YOU SURE?!?!"
Mr. Garrison: "Yea he's off hanging out with Al Gore."
Mr. Stotch: "Al Gore? I'm sick of this guy ruining our town. We come back later today. I will be looking to confront that basterd tonight."
Mr. Garrison: "Well just wanted to inform you...also today is the opening of PANERA BREAD. I thought you'd like to know."
Mr. Stotch: "Ohhhh! Panera Bread! The cookies...the brownies...the coffee cakes...uhhhhmmmmmm...the brownies...the cookies...the coffee cakes.....ohhhh yea......"
Mr. Garrison hangs up but Mr. Stotch keeps talking
Mr. Stotch: "Ohhh the sandwiches...the salads...the soups...I've been waiting for this day forever. The day I get to eat Panera Bread and the day I own Al Gore's asshole."
**END SCENE **
Butters and Al Gore walk up to the Panera Bread.
Butters: "Wow! It's so big. I never imagined it'd be like this."
Al Gore: "Let's give this a place a look see."
They walk in and are greeted by a pretty blonde girl.
Blonde girl: "Hi...welcome to Panera Bread."
Butters (to Al Gore): "They do have bitches."
They get up to the cash register and a pretty brunette girl helps them out.
Brunette girl: "Hi...welcome to Panera Bread. Would you like a Your Panera card? You get a free pastry if you sign up."
Butters: "Golly sure! Just tell me how to sign up."
Brunette girl: "Just go to that kiosk right over there."
Butters and Al Gore walk over to the kiosk.
Al Gore: "Can we go on Writers Cafe on here?"
Butters: "No Al Gore...this is a Panera designed computer network."
Al Gore: "I bet I can hack it."
Butters: "I want my free pastry! Go ask someone else."
Al Gore walks up to the General Manager.
Al Gore: "Excuse me...I'm Al Gore. Can I use one of your computers in the back to check Writers Cafe?"
General Manager: "No Al Gore. That is for Panera employees only. You would have to go through our hiring process to get access to our system."
Al Gore: "Sir...I created your system."
General Manager: "Actually our system was founded by Mort Mortimer...he's a computer programmer out of Tallhassee. You're just a washed up politican."
Al Gore: "I demand answers."
General Manager: "Look our customers are very friendly. Ask one of them to use their system. I'm sure they will allow you."
Al Gore walks up to a big older fellow that looks like King Kong Bundy from WWF.
Al Gore: "Hi..I'm Al Gore. Vice President."
Mike Yarborough (turns around): "I know who you are."
Al Gore: "ITS YOU! You're the guy behind that phone selling scheme."
Mike Yarborough: "You just weren't cutting it Al...I had to give you the boot. How did you end up out here anyways?"
Al Gore: "I'm here with a little kid who praised me on Writers Cafe. He summoned me."
Mike Yarborough: "Well what can I do for ya Al?"
Al Gore: "I'll give you a free pastry if you let me use your computer for 10 minutes."
Mike Yarborough: "Deal...I need to shit anyways. Have at it Al. No porn."
Al Gore: "Don't worry about me."
Al Gore immediately checks Writers Cafe for new reviews. There are 3 new reviews.
The first one is from a milf poet...she says: "horrible structure...dumb theme... and Al Gore? He's so 90's."
The second one is a stoner guy from Minnesota...he says: "Rock on! Al Gore rulez all!"
The third one is a pretty girl from the East Coast...she says: "Who really is behind that persona?"
Al Gore is very sad and vows revenge on someone. He goes to Yelp.com to leave a review. He is the first one to leave a review for this new store.
Al Gore: "I must say the service here is very lackluster. I asked to use the company computers and the manager denied me. I did meet an old friend here though. Maybe this is place is better than I thought? I don't know but one thing I do know is ya'lllllll got bitttches. Signed: GreenJobs4All."
Butters fills out the rest of the form and a free pastry receipt pops out of the computer. Al Gore snatches it out of his hand.
Al Gore: "Sorry little boy. I had to make a business deal."
Butters: "I spent four minutes filling that out! I want my pastry."
Al Gore: "Just follow me and everything will be cool."
Brunette Girl: "I see you got Your Panera card."
Al Gore: "Umm yea...it says we won a free sandwich."
Brunette: "Ok...can I see the card?"
The card clearly says "free pastry."
Brunette: "The tag says free pastry so pick whatever you want and let me know."
Al Gore: "But we want a free sandwich."
Brunette: "Let me get my manager."
She walks to the back.
Butters: "You're causin' a real ruckus."
Al Gore: "Don't worry...I got them right here I want them."
General Manager comes out from the back.
General Manager: "What's the issue now Mr. Gore?"
Al Gore: "Yea we got a card for a free pastry...but we want a free sandwich."
General Manager: "Sorry...we can't do that."
Al Gore: "Look buddy...I know your secret."
General Manager: "What secret?"
Al Gore: "Your company secrets. How you guys worship bread."
General Manager: "That's right...we do love bread."
Al Gore: "Look...just give me the sandwich and I won't call in the SWAT Team."
General Manager: "We'll do it just this one time...I'll give you a sandwich. Order it from Bethany."
Brunette Girl: "What would you like?"
Al Gore: "Let me go ask my friend real fast."
Al Gore walks over to Mike Yarborough.
Al Gore: "You clean out your insides?"
Mike Yarborough: "Sure did...I'm ready to eat."
Al Gore: "Go up there and order a sandwich. It's on the house."
Mike Yarborough: "Let's do it."
He goes up to the counter and begins ordering a complicated sandwich.
Mike Yarborough: "Yea Haley...I'd like a turkey sandwich...grilled...with lettuce...tomatoe...onion...extra tomatoe...horse radish...and melted cheese."
Brunette Girl: "Ok...what is your side choice?"
Mike Yarborough: "Give me a pastry for my little blonde buddy over here."
Butters: "I come all this way for a pastry?? Awww this sucks."
The orders goes through and Butters sits down with Mike Yarborough to enjoy his pastry. Al Gore walks over to the people making the food.
Al Gore (to himself): "I feel bad for the son bitch that has to make that sandwich."
He walks up and sees Screech from Saved by the Bells struggling with other orders.
Al Gore: "Screech? Is that you?"
Screech: "I'm busy. I can't talk right now."
Al Gore: "Screech...I need you. You're part of a master plan. I will give you one thousand dollars to walk out on this place right now."(Evil thoughts are going in Gore's head.)
Screech: "What's the catch?"
Al Gore: "Did you see the Battle of the Bands signs? Well....the Zack Attack is back Jack!"
Screech throws his apron down and walks out on his General Manager. He joins Butters, Yarborough, and Gore at the table to talk.
Mike Yarborough: "WHERE THE HELL IS MY SANDWICH IS AT???"
Al Gore: "Yea there's been a bit of a hold-up...the sandwich maker just walked out."
Mike Yarborough: "If I find out who that sandwich maker is I'm going to ring his neck. No one messes with my appetite."
Butters: "Well it was..."
Al Gore: "The fellow left...hey Yarborough...you going to be at Battle of the Bands tonight?"
Mike Yarborough: "I'm judging it. You bet I'll be there."
Al Gore: "Good...cause it's gonna be a battle. I'm bringing some new talent."
Mike Yarborough: "I'm glad. Now let me concentrate on selling phones to random people. Here...you three can use my spare laptop to englighten yourselves."
** END SCENE **
3 o'clock is here. Zack Morris and AC Slater meet up in Cartman's garage to start the session.
Cartman: "Hey guys!!! It really feels like old times playing in the garage together."
Zack Morris: "This is our first time playing with you."
Cartman: "It feels like yesterday we were rocking out with her cocks out on a nightly basis."
AC Slater: "We never even went on tour. That was an optical illusion."
Cartman: "How about that time that Zack kissed Jesse Spano in the Shakespeare play? Ohhh that was awesome."
Zack Morris: "Look kid...let's get to work. I saw a sign for Battle of the Bands at 5 PM. Winner gets a free panini from Panera."
Cartman: "Let's get to jammin then."
Many practice songs are played and everything is going well since they play only one song. Cartman brings out mirrors so they can practice they're facial expressions for the show. It is about 430 and they pack up their band equipment and take off in Cartman's mom's Ford truck.
** END SCENE **
Stan and Kyle are walking down the street looking for something else to do. They see a sign on the light pole for Battle of the Bands at 5 P.M.
Stan: "That sounds lame, but let's go there."
Kyle: "I wonder who's going to be there. Let's head to Panera then."
Because they were so far on the outskirts they don't reach Panera until about 4:30. They walk in and spot Butters instantly.
Butters: "Fellas! Where you been? Did Mr. Garrison ask about me?!"
Kyle: "We went to the owl preserve. We figured if you were going to skip for someone as unimportant as Al Gore we could skip for owls."
Butters: "Well it's time for Battle of the Bands! There's only one band though. Do you guys wanna join?!?!"
Stan: "We haven't even practiced Butters."
Butters: "Just follow my lead. You guys play the instruments...I'll provide the vocals. I got the perfect song."
The Zack Attack walk in Panera. The blonde girl gets shy.
Blonde Girl: "Umm...welcome to Panera. Where the bread goes wet...I mean where the bread is soft."
AC Slater: "Calm down sweetie we're here for the Battle of the Bands."
Zack Morris (chiming in): "We're the ZACK ATTACk!"
Cartman (in a ghetto voice): "AND WE BACK JACK!"
Blonde Girl: "Well make yourself at home in our oasis."
Cartman: "HEY KYLE! Did you see we're in Battle of the Bands?"
Kyle: "So are we fatass...you guys should win since you only play one song every show."
Cartman: "That's not true. The Zack Attack is all versatile and all knowing. We go hard."
Stan: C ya on the stage Cartman...we have Butters singing vocals for us tonight.
Cartman: "BUTTERS? You let that asshole be your singer? HAH! Good luck. We have Zack Morris. That's right..ZACK MORRIS!"
Zack Morris and AC Slater walk up.
AC Slater: "Are these guys giving you a problem Cartman?"
Stan (to Kyle): "Oh no here we go...wannabe roid rage."
AC Slater: "What was the little man?"
Stan: "I said you're a muscle bound freak with an ego problem."
AC Slater: "Ohh...in that case...allright. Good luck tonight guys."
The scene fast forwards to the Battle of the Bands. It's 5 o'clock. The Zack Attack is ready to play when Al
Gore interrupts Mike Yarborough.
Mike Yarborough: "That's the rules of the game guys...If you have any..."
Al Gore: "WAIT! Hold on. We have a last second change. Zack Morris...AC Slater...I present you...the long lost member."
Screech comes out of Panera Bread wearing a zoot suit.
Screech: "We meet again guys."
Zack Morris: "SCREECH!! Hop on stage bro."
Cartman: "HEY! What about me?"
Zack Morris: "Screech is the original member of Zack Attack. You're the ringer."
Zack and Slater physically throw Cartman off stage. Cartman goes to Yarborough to ask for the official "Battle of the Band Rulebook."
Mike Yarborough: "Allright! This is getting exciting. Everyone in the crowd...I present to you...the ZACK ATTACK."
Slater ends up hopping back on the drums...Screech gets on the keyboard...and Zack starts singing his heart out. They start making dumbass facial expressions and you see the blonde girl inside Panera looking out the window getting wet. The song ends after about 45 seconds.
Mike Yarborough: "I give it a 9...it would have been a 10 had Kelly been up there with you guys!! But I still loved it. Now onto the next band. They call themselves Loose Cannons."
The curtain unveils. Stan is playing maraccas...Kyle is playing the flute...and Butters is on the vocals. He starts singing "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies.
Butters: "Chickedy Chinese the Chinese Chicken you have a drum stick and your brain stops ticking...watching X-Files with no lights on......."
The song plays out for about a minute and they do a decent job.
Mike Yarborough: "I give it a 7...and with that decision THE ZACK ATTACK ARE THE VICTORS!!!! GUYS I THINK IT'S BEST IF YOU GIVE THE CROWD WHAT THEY WANT AND PLAY AGAIN."
Al Gore (to himself): "My plan is unfolding perfectly....."
All the sudden Slater starts the song and it's not "Friends Forever."
Slater: "Uhh 1....Uhh 2...Uhh 1...2..3...4"
Zack Morris: "MMMMM BOP!!! DOP BA DOO WOP !! DEWEEYYY OPP BA DO WOP... DOP BA DOYAYEYEYEA !!!"
Al Gore has a sinister look on his face. The whole place is silent when the song is over and Al Gore starts giving a political stump speech.
Al Gore: "You see guys...didn't I tell you that song was written by the Devil? It was...It was written by me...by Al Gore...by your Vice President. If it got sung more than 173 times by the original Zac Attack...I programmed a Hansen verse in the 174th performance. I went on Writers Cafe recently to try to trick people into thinking I was God. I created the Internet to try to make people think I was the devil. In the end I sit here and I don't know which one I am...am I God or am I the Devil? Or am I a nobody?"
Cartman: "You basterd...you tricked me all along. You knew the Zack Attack was going to throw me out of the band...you knew it! YOU ARE THE DEVIL!"
Al Gore: "I did not know that husky boy. I never knew Screech was going to be in South Park. I never knew any of this. It feels like somebody did plan this...like someone is a God around here...I just don't know who it is."
All the sudden Robert Youngquist comes.
Robert Youngquist: "See guys...the Gods are above. Look up there."
Everyone looks up and sees a good looking Owl flying above. The owl begins to speak.
Al Boo-Boo: "My name is Al Boo-Boo. I was brought to this South Park area to watch over something. I was sent here to keep somebody in check. Year after year nothing went on and nothing drastic happened. It wasn't until today when I heard these children say Al Gore was in town that I knew the time to intervene was now. You see...the owl is put on this Earth to watch over you. Today I watched over you. I give you the Al Gore chokeout. Watch and be amazed."
Butters' dad pulls up in his Honda Accord.
Mr. Stotch: "Al Gore! What are you doing teaching my boy not to go to school? Why I oughta choke you."
Al Gore (turns to Mike Yarborough): "Screech was the employee that didn't make your sandwich." (looks to Mr. Stotch): "Ok... I deserve it. Choke away."
Mr. Stotch chokes Al Gore...Mike Yarborough chokes Screech...Cartman starts choking Kyle...Zack Morris starts choking Slater...Mr. Stotch lets off of Al Gore to choke Butters so the General Manager comes out of Panera and starts choking Al Gore...Stan taps the General Manager because he is using too much force...the Owl then swoops in to choke Al Gore but instead looks him in the eye and says something to him...
Al Boo-Boo: "Look Al Gore...you see there is nothing personal about what I put you through...I was sent here for a reason...as you were sent here for a reason...the owl wouldn't be the owl if it weren't for the snake."
Al Gore: "You're not going to choke me right? I can't breathe."
Al Boo-Boo: "No..I'm not going to choke you. I think you've learned your lesson now."
Al Gore: "Thank you Al Boo...thank you."
Al Boo flies up and takes a huge shit on Al Gore's head. The ending scene shows a bunch of people choking each other in South Park with Elton John in the sky playing "Ciricle of Life" on a pink piano.
THE END.