Richard Hammond, you are a bloody heart breaker. I have a crush on you, bigger, it seems, than anybody else's. Top Gear, Blast Lab (despite it being rather boring), anything, if you're on it, I'll watch it. The way you have such enthusiasm for everything, the way you explode into a fit of physics, the way your caravans explode into a fit of burning plastic, it makes me smile. If you came up to me, the first thing I'd do is run your wife down with your Harley (best dream EVER), hold you close, and kiss you within an inch of your life. Then I'd treat you to a rubbish and soppy film at the Odeon, share popcorn with you, then take you to, I dunno, Giraffe, order a table by the window, and declare my undying love for you. And tell your wife to rest in peace. Kinda. Then I'd take you home, kiss you more and take it from there...

This was all dreamed up in maths, and it cost me a detention, but hey, half-feeling your lips was great! Love you Hamster!